a numbing cold
i don't think hes realized this just yet. that the moment he said "i love you," there was no escape.
"i'm going to be so sad when this ends," is something i would muse about often. and he would always call me crazy. i told him that we would run away together... and that as long as he was with me he would always be given joy and a reason to live. turns out, not only was i crazy, i was right. i'm sorry you had to put up with me for so long. i really am sorry.
he has no use to me now and yet wild horses couldn't drag me away from him. yes, i was relieved that nothing had changed, but i think that's the most painful thing about it. we were so intimate, and what of it now? i think we must be drawn together by this red string of fate, but it's long since tangled and split. how much longer can we pretend it isn't like that?
november will be colder than usual. november will feel like a bad dream. november will be full of waiting. waiting and waiting and waiting. i promise i won’t make a single complaint or misbehave this time, okay? i won't tell you anything i’m feeling like a good girl, okay? i’ll become easier to digest just for you, okay? i wonder if that will be enough to make him love me again.
actually, it doesn't matter how you feel about me anymore. the only thing you need to do is say it. tell me you love me and only me until it stops feeling like a lie. show me you have tact and say it like you mean it. you've done it before, haven't you? pretending to love me will come easily to you, won't it. that's alright. i still do like you very, very, very much. i'll give you time, but do it quickly. before i start to feel guilty for hating you.
hey, you’ve already hurt me so much, so why stop there? do it as many times as you feel you need to. keep on hurting me so i can be there to forgive you over and over and over again. it made me feel right. so, please continue to lie to me. pretend that you love me. scold me, beat me, and hurt me. give me your attention. i don't care if what i'm doing or thinking is right anymore. i think you're still worthy of love. i must've failed to give you enough love to save you.
i'll never feel warmth again, i don't think.
somebody needs to pay attention to me before i go mad.