do it on tv, they'll love it
i watched and listened to a few people dying. i was procrastinating and i wanted to satiate my morbid curiosity. looked online if anyone has ever killed themselves live on tv. rest assured i'm not one of those people that derive a sick sense of joy out of watching gore online or anything. however i have such a high respect towards those who have to desensitize themselves to things like this because of their profession (like doctors and such).
the first case i read about was christine chubbuck. she was a 29 year old news anchor from sarasota florida who struggled with severe depression. here were the words she uttered from her own written script just before she committed suicide:
"in keeping with the wxlt practice of presenting the most immediate and complete reports of local blood and guts news, tv 40 presents what is believed to be a television first. in living color, an exclusive coverage of an attempted suicide."
her voice was unwavering and standard for television; clear and scripted. she didn't spare herself a second after finishing her sentence, pressing the revolver against her skull and committing suicide in front of thousands. just hearing the audio was enough for the scene to appear so vividly in my head, as if i'd seen it for myself.
allegedly, because of her penchant for dark humor and ad libbing, the crew thought it was just some sick joke (which is kind of my worst fear, like what happened to tommy cooper... actually dying but people thinking it's part of the bit). she must've really felt like she had nothing to lose. rest in peace christine, even though i don't know you and you died a few decades before i was born, you won't ever leave my mind.
the second video i watched was of r. budd dwyer. i don't know much about american politics so apologies, but i'm 99.99% sure he committed suicide on live tv while he still had his position so his family would get the pension. he had some charges against him and i believe that caused him a great deal of pressure. i've seen conflicting opinions about whether or not he was innocent (and i'm very stupid) so i wont be commenting on that since it's pretty divided.
during a news conference in which he was announcing his resigning, he pulled out the revolver from a yellow envelope (really casually might i add) and was trying to calm everyone down. a lot of people were panicking... and if i recall correctly even some shouted something to the effect of "don't do it!" i think. anyways, a few moments later he shoved the gun in his mouth and shot himself. he slumped against the wall and a lot of blood was coming out of his nose like a waterfall. he dropped super quickly.
it's one of the most forceful ways to put things into perspective, i think. i've also seen a lot of people on the internet say these two were selfish for what they did, and i don't necessarily agree. do you want people to look? to pay attention to the seemingly invisible pains you go through daily? have you ever tried calling out but received no answer? christine wanted her suffering to be noticed since she felt invisible, and budd told the press to spread his story on every radio station and network. if i did that too, i'd want the same.
i suppose the only way i'll feel seen is if my tragic death is sensationalized. it's like that one movie about the guy on tv that improves his ratings by having psychotic breakdowns. you'd all ought to be grateful i'm not getting a broadcasting degree. this blog kind of functions in a similar manner anyways. to the three people who read this blog, would you care? and why do i even care that you care?
is that not what all of us want? to be cared about? that's a common reason why people commit suicide. they die hoping we'd understand.
don't worry — christine, budd — i do. i will.