i hate myself but i would never ever shoot a school
i'd like to think that i had a relatively positive upbringing. i was born on july 24th, 2009. middle class. mother was more involved than father. he was always busy with work so i naturally spent more time with mom. and, since they split when i was young, i barely see much of him anyway. of course, i blamed myself. when you don't understand what the adults are screaming about you assume they're screaming about you. childhood egocentrism.
most children of divorce think that way. additionally, they had ME to worry about; some retarded pre-marital mistake carved out of a poor woman's stomach. an afflicted and horribly sensitive child neither of them wanted. i'd best do everything they said and be good. to make up for being me. have i been doing particularly well? is father proud?
no. no not at all actually. not because i don't spend my time after school in my backyard shooting cans with a pistol, or because i don't shove people in lockers and vandalize things, but because i'm myself. i don't get particularly bad grades either. i try to be nice to people when i can, i try to pay attention, and i have dreams for the future.
the only thing that's stopping me from either killing myself or others is my own sense of social cohesion and morality. if i didn't have any of those things, perhaps a slap on the wrist and a loud "no!" from father could fix everything like it seems to always do. i'm sorry. i'll do as i'm told. i'm sorry. or maybe i'm not sorry, and in a few years you'll be seeing me on the news. once upon a time i did think my life was precious. you'll never really know and i'll never really know.
how could i ever be proud of myself without relying on others? the only reason why i'm not dead someplace is because i want approval for being alive. why do i feel so awful all the time? there's tons of serial killers that had upbringings just like mine who felt that they needed to resort to a life of murder and torture and violence. i've been doing a lot of things i don't understand lately. i'm not bad. do you think i'm bad?
i love father and he loves me too but i never ever ever ever want to be him. that's why i'm scared to have kids. i'm just like him. and i look like him too. daughters often look like their fathers. you find it funny? do you ever wonder why my impression of my father is always angry? you'd be able to imitate that side of him well if that's all you've observed in him.
pure and utter annoyance!!!
no visible emotion on his face!!!
hes impossible to read!!!
am i making you angry by existing? oh please dad, i've tried to die!!! that didn't make you happy either!!! i got excited thinking about his tortured look as he stared helplessly at his own dead daughter!!! dead!!! killed!!! look, father!! look, father!!! look, father!!! look, father!!! look, father!!! look, father!!!