one little problem though
there's this thing that i want. it's the only thing i haven't been able to wrap around my finger. it's hard when it's only exposure to you is when you were so unsure of yourself. i'm as sure as i can be right now—i'm a normal girl.
i feel like carrie white. you know when she gets a crush on that popular athlete guy tommy and when he asks her out to prom it feels like some sort of joke? completely untouchable. i want him to be touchable, as weird as that sounds. ew.
it doesn't even have to be him! i don't care who, just anybody go out with me! i'm so lonely! i want to feel loved again! i'm ready! come at me with all you've got! love me love me love me! i want to kiss somebody! i want to hold hands with somebody! i want to have sex!!! i want to feel something! i want to drive in a fast car and blow things up and set everything on fire!
i don't even know who i am if i'm not loved. it's hard to love me, it's rotten work. i struggle with severe autism and anxiety, all the movies i like are weird and confusing, i have the same music taste as the columbine shooters, it doesn't matter how much you love me i will never eat more than 900 calories a day for anyone, nor will i stop harming myself, and i think i'm cool when i'm actually some loser.
i'm impulsive and i say things i don't mean. i'm so helpful and empathetic i end up hurting people instead. my friends keep me in their back pocket like a shaking chihuahua. tell me you love me or i'll cut you open and rip out your insides. that's just the kind of girl i am. it's rotten work, i'm telling you. it's all a test. you'll withstand it if you really love me. it's that sort of attitude that leaves me in empty rooms with nobody to fawn over. and rooms full of doctors and white walls.