passions
i think, ever since the christmas play last year and taking a drama class for the first time, i've realized just how deep my desire to perform really is. there was something else i also realized; i'm incompetent!
if there's one thing i've learned these past few years, it's this—trying is not enough. sometimes, even your "best" is abysmal. another's aptitudes will always, always win against a talent you actively strive to hone. there will always be somebody better to come along and leave you in the dirt. and there will always be a better option to pick over you. always.
what did you dream of as a child? what was it that you wanted to achieve? did you want to become a doctor? an astronaut? a teacher? or maybe a famous actor? how many people actually stick to the goals they have as kids? i don't understand why we foster a false hope like that. the word is merciless and strange and dreams never come true. "you can do anything" is a cruel adage we throw at those who project our unaccomplished dreams. of course there's still dreams i want to attain... but what's the point? most people can't even afford groceries and a home anymore.
on stage, i would be out of place. i'm clumsy and unrefined, i'm unaware of the facial expressions i make and the things i do with my body. i can't sing nor can i dance. i'm not flexible. i'm not charismatic. i'm not thin or beautiful or elegant. is it selfish i still want to obtain this dream of mine even if i lack the skill?