things that happened today vol 3
god, i hope your listening to me. i hope this is enough proof for you to realize that i'm trying. december makes me feel like a wounded deer. should i even have to prove anything to a god? deer don't even know god exists. all they know is fear.
in my fitness class, mister singled me out (positively...? he called me old school which i liked) for reading a book while on one of the bikes. i wasn't doing it in a performative way, i hope that's not how i came across. what book was i so engrossed in that i felt the need to read it even while exercising? the secret diary of laura palmer. i've been watching a ton of new shows on the television since i got it set up—a lot of columbo, family feud, little house on the prairie, match game, (i don't watch the price is right or jeopardy since—little known fact about me—non-trivia/pop culture based game shows stress me out. i hate luck!) and so on. believe me, i looked everywhere to find twin peaks but i just couldn't!
i'm going to be honest, i hate streaming, just as a concept. i miss when everything was on the television. if there wasn't something on that interested you, you just turned off the set and did something else. and that's just related to cable. nobody buys dvds or vhs tapes anymore! i was talking to my counselor about this and he said that it was a good hobby to have. i didn't really know what he meant by that... as in, using the television to distract myself? collecting physical media at half price? being "old school" and "cool" and "esoteric" maybe?
i went off on a tangent. anyways, i had to watch it illegally. shhhhh!
i'm almost finished the book and i only received it in the mail earlier this week. laura palmer just makes me so sad... i see a lot of myself in her... i'm scared i may end up like her, too. with the way things are going i mean. i was never really the type to do thrilling things that i knew were wrong, like skipping class, doing drugs and having sex, but who knows now? i don't even know myself anymore. i'm scared i may kill myself over something stupid. would it be better to die before i fuck myself over? regardless, i love laura. i miss her.
the supply teacher complimented my shoes! they're the black, shiny oxfords i like wearing, even in wintertime. they slip on easily and i think they're classy. today i wore an outfit that reminded me of 80s power dressers. a muted pull-over tucked into straight leg jeans, pearly white socks too. i must be feeling better than usual, since i brought it upon myself to wear some makeup this morning, since i hadn't in a while. just some mascara and lipstick—that's usually enough to make me lively and nice-looking. when i don't wear makeup i feel 10 times uglier and 50 times fatter and 100 times more like a drowned corpse.
between you and me, i only dolled up because i thought he would be here. i bet he's just wallowing in self-pity at home wishing he had a pretty, smart girl like me to love him and tell him what to do and carry his burdens to the brink of death. isn't this the type of shit birds do to attract mates? dressing up all fancy hoping he'd notice me. i'm not a bird. i don't seek attention from others. i don't need attention from others. i'm sorry you turned your uptown dream girl against you, but there's nothing i want to do about it now.
i hope i didn't seem too weird today, or rather, i hope i don't seem weird in the near future. i'm starting new medication. goodbye zoloft, hello prozac! apparently, it also treats eating disorders... i'll find a way around it... some meds alter your appetite. i really wanted to try a benzodiazepine drug, like xanax or klonopin. but it's addictive, so i don't think they'd let me. let's hope prozac treats me kindly these next few months. there's lots to look forward to, after all.
(the long awaited threequel!)